wrigley field is MILF paradise
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
