I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
