He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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