you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
