I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
