Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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