Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
