grandma shit on top of the toilet
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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