Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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