I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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