as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
