I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
