bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
