I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
