Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
