I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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