I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
