I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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