i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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