I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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