he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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