You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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