have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
