i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
