I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
