You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
