why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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