There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
