it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
