Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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