Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
