My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
