His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
