It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
