who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
