I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
