i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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