I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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