He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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