i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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