before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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