i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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