Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
