Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
