i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
