exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
