can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
