party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
