ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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