you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
