The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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