There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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