Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
